Wherin I Want a new stove and I cook with sarchasm

I have this love hate relationship with my stove. I love the fact that I have a stove, cause I love to cook but I hate, hate, hate the fact that the stove I got is one of those lousy glass-top stoves. While I can whip up most anything my heart desires on it, hell, I can cook over an open campfire too, any little thing that spills over, get dropped on or boils over while cooking on a glass top stove is immediately cooked and and fused onto the surface whereupon once your done cooking, and waiting til the stove top cools down, you have to scrub and scrub using barkeepers friend, to get that burned on gunk off. Who, in all their brilliance thought a flat top, glass topped stove would be a wonderful thing? I want to get rid of what I got and get me one of these babies:

Kitchen Aid Stainless steel, 4 burner gas range (the only way to cook) an electric true convection oven with circulating fan for faster, even, cooking results and, AND a built in steamer...can you say fresh steamed veggies...thank you very much! (I think I just drooled on my keyboard...) Oh, the goods I could whip up on this baby!

I made a big 'ol batch of homemade bean soup last weekend loaded down with ham and mettwurst sausage. Got me some for lunch today. My 8 year old, Princess giggle-snort, loves the stuff. She helped me make it. While cooking it, I, in all my infiinate wisdom taught her the following:

Beans, beans the magical fruit, The more you eat, the more you toot, The more you toot the better you feel, So eat your beans with every meal!

She recites it, quite well I might add, and on command. Very entertaining and it leaves me beaming with pride....til it gets recited, say, at church. Yeah. Wife did'nt care for that too much. I snickered. Now she has passed on that great knowledge I gave her to her best friend. He best friends dad cracked up...Mom, not so much though upon questioning she did admit that she stifled her snicker so as not to encourage her daughter. Silly Moms. It's not like I taught them to swear..... *But you know what, You know how good it feels to let out a resounding @#%$! Why should little Junior or Janie go without such relief? Swearing is fun, and it's good for you! Health benefits include increased circulation, elevated endorphins, and an overall sense of well being. Plus, there are no nasty side effects!

Much of the problem with ADHD, dyslexia, not playing well with others and other learning issues is just plain old frustration. Betcha didn't now that did ya? It's time to throw away the Ritalin, because now your kids can receive drug free, old-fashioned help for their low frustration tolerance without a trip to the pharmacy!

Some parents are gifted in the profanity department. Others need help with obscenity. You know who you are. Once they learn, they can teach the kids themselves.

To begin, stop censoring yourself. Let the cuss words fly wherever and whenever you please. Kids will pick up on this and start swearing on their own. Watch their little shoulders drop and the tension leave their bodies with each resounding expletive. It's not only cute, its therapeutic!

If you can't seem to break the habit of holding your tongue in front of the kids, consider this nifty trick. Strap them in the back seat, make sure they're tired and hungry, then venture out into rush hour traffic. Inevitably, someone will cut you off. Between the other drivers and the kids whining and complaining you're sure to slip. After your first time, it just gets easier and easier to go with the potty mouth flow.

Of course, children will need to be instructed that some people don't like swearing, and that it could get them into trouble. Teach them to weigh the health benefits vs. the repercussions of getting kicked out of the Boy Scouts, Sunday school, Gymnastics, etc. Consider this a learning opportunity, a chance for your little angel to experience choices and the consequences of their actions. Sure, some mamby-pamby kids might opt to go all goodie two shoes, but with constant support from parents, you're child will eventually learn how to swear.

Of course, Grandma won't like it, but, hey, $#*%@ her! She could use a little cuss therapy herself.

*The text after the asterisk is called sarcasm and isn't funny how easily we can insert a swear word for $#*%@ when we see it?