Wherin I Want a new stove and I cook with sarchasm

I have this love hate relationship with my stove. I love the fact that I have a stove, cause I love to cook but I hate, hate, hate the fact that the stove I got is one of those lousy glass-top stoves. While I can whip up most anything my heart desires on it, hell, I can cook over an open campfire too, any little thing that spills over, get dropped on or boils over while cooking on a glass top stove is immediately cooked and and fused onto the surface whereupon once your done cooking, and waiting til the stove top cools down, you have to scrub and scrub using barkeepers friend, to get that burned on gunk off. Who, in all their brilliance thought a flat top, glass topped stove would be a wonderful thing? I want to get rid of what I got and get me one of these babies:

Kitchen Aid Stainless steel, 4 burner gas range (the only way to cook) an electric true convection oven with circulating fan for faster, even, cooking results and, AND a built in steamer...can you say fresh steamed veggies...thank you very much! (I think I just drooled on my keyboard...) Oh, the goods I could whip up on this baby!

I made a big 'ol batch of homemade bean soup last weekend loaded down with ham and mettwurst sausage. Got me some for lunch today. My 8 year old, Princess giggle-snort, loves the stuff. She helped me make it. While cooking it, I, in all my infiinate wisdom taught her the following:

She recites it, quite well I might add, and on command. Very entertaining and it leaves me beaming with pride....til it gets recited, say, at church. Yeah. Wife did'nt care for that too much. I snickered. Now she has passed on that great knowledge I gave her to her best friend. He best friends dad cracked up...Mom, not so much though upon questioning she did admit that she stifled her snicker so as not to encourage her daughter. Silly Moms. It's not like I taught them to swear..... *But you know what, You know how good it feels to let out a resounding @#%$! Why should little Junior or Janie go without such relief? Swearing is fun, and it's good for you! Health benefits include increased circulation, elevated endorphins, and an overall sense of well being. Plus, there are no nasty side effects!

Much of the problem with ADHD, dyslexia, not playing well with others and other learning issues is just plain old frustration. Betcha didn't now that did ya? It's time to throw away the Ritalin, because now your kids can receive drug free, old-fashioned help for their low frustration tolerance without a trip to the pharmacy!

Some parents are gifted in the profanity department. Others need help with obscenity. You know who you are. Once they learn, they can teach the kids themselves.

To begin, stop censoring yourself. Let the cuss words fly wherever and whenever you please. Kids will pick up on this and start swearing on their own. Watch their little shoulders drop and the tension leave their bodies with each resounding expletive. It's not only cute, its therapeutic!

If you can't seem to break the habit of holding your tongue in front of the kids, consider this nifty trick. Strap them in the back seat, make sure they're tired and hungry, then venture out into rush hour traffic. Inevitably, someone will cut you off. Between the other drivers and the kids whining and complaining you're sure to slip. After your first time, it just gets easier and easier to go with the potty mouth flow.

Of course, children will need to be instructed that some people don't like swearing, and that it could get them into trouble. Teach them to weigh the health benefits vs. the repercussions of getting kicked out of the Boy Scouts, Sunday school, Gymnastics, etc. Consider this a learning opportunity, a chance for your little angel to experience choices and the consequences of their actions. Sure, some mamby-pamby kids might opt to go all goodie two shoes, but with constant support from parents, you're child will eventually learn how to swear.

Of course, Grandma won't like it, but, hey, $#*%@ her! She could use a little cuss therapy herself.

*The text after the asterisk is called sarcasm and isn't funny how easily we can insert a swear word for $#*%@ when we see it?

Wherin I rescue damsels in distress and gripe

We got ourselves a real winter here in Michigan this year. Huge amounts of snow, super cold to boot. Man, this global warming just sucks don't it? However it is perfect hot tubbing weather! You know, I don't know whats worse. Tom Cruise getting sucked in and bamboozled by cult of Scientology or Al Gore getting sucked in and bamboozled by the cult of global warming. Both are fanatics about their religions....yes, I said religion. If Tom Cruise is a a prophet for Scientology then Al Gore is the self proclaimed Pope for global warming. Anybody that dares criticize the official church doctrine of Scientology or global warming, is threatened with destruction. Only a false religion needs hate mail, angry threats, courts of inquisition and Hollywood movies, actors and other celebrities to sustain it.

I got to be the hero Dad the other day. I got a phone call from my daughters a.k.a Frog, cell about mid afternoon...about the time she get outta school. When I answered I noted the time and so I thought it would be funny, in a typical Dad humor, but to kids a non-funny annoying kinda way, to answer the phone unconventionally. Instead of saying "Hi" I opted for the more sarcastic "What? Did you wreck the car?" Turns out it was not Frog, but her friend, "Special K" who, BTW, had driven them to school that day. It also turns out that they were deeply embedded in a snow bank....just down the road from school. Not necessarily a car wreck...but close.

Off I went in the Jeep, a.k.a. Hummer Recovery Vehicle a.k.a fish car. The Jeep is always prepared for most situations. It has a first aid kit, jumper cables, tow strap, a shovel, bag of salt/sand mix, blanket, GPS, two way amateur radio, police scanner, fly vest, fly rod, fly reel, matches, lighters, flashlights, toilet paper and courtesy wipes...everything a geeky, nerdy, expert fly fisherman guy like me deserves. It really is astonishing that there is room left for actual passengers.

I arrived at the scene. Engaged the 4X4 and proceeded to inspect the carnage that was the stuck car. They did a right good job, let me tell you. "Special K" drives a POS Ford Escort wagon. All four wheels were of the ground. The car was resting on it's frame. Definitely stuck. Being that the event happened so close to school they all took quite a ribbing from classmates as they all passed by, in cars and buses on their way home. It was not hard to notice them seeing as they had a police cruiser with it strobes flashing in all their glory parked right behind them. Wouldn't you know I forgot the camera! Again! I was in my element. The car was freed from the confines of the snowbank....super dad saves the day! (And I got to use my tow strap again!)

Now, I got a gripe:

Have you ever, when you've gone to the supermarket, used those self checkout lanes? What's up with those anyway? If I'm gonna have to scan all my own groceries, I want to get paid for it. I'm saving the store money by not having a cashier do it...pass on the savings! And to all you technically challenged inept grocery shoppers using The Self-Checkout Lines, Just stop it. All of you.

You, old man with the cart full of groceries. You will die before you scan all of those groceries. You, the old lady, scan your items and pay...you do not need to physically look for the UPC, scan your item, look at the display, look at the price on the product, look at the display again and then place your item in the bagging area. You, the mother of seven uncontrolled children, who are running and screaming while you search and search for the product code for broccoli, They put the code right there, right on the friggen vegetable, you know! And especially you, you group of obnoxious teenagers, who loiter around the machines like you having nothing else to do, step away from the machine!

I have very marginal retail/cashier experience and I get do not get flustered easily. But if I can handle the self-check out - you should, too! It's a simple thing. I swear, I can’t take it any longer. Whoever thought self-check out would be a wonderful, wonderful thing - you know, a taste of the future, your an idiot. You need to get slapped upside the head.

Wherin I pose a few questions

My previous post drew the following comment:

My questions are the following:

1. Doesn't my not voting for a candidate make a statement too, actually a more powerful statement, than voting for the candidate or idea I dislike the least? Voting, just for the sake of voting makes as much sense a voting for someone just because they are a woman, black or evangelical.
2. How is my not voting irresponsible if I am given poor choices of whom or what to vote for? Sometime the responsible choice is not to choose.
3. Wouldn't it also hold true that though blood was shed for the "right" to vote that it was also shed for the right not to vote?

Rights are ours to execute or not. A free country with a compulsory vote is a contradiction in terms. Not that anyone is actually campaigning for a compulsory vote. Yet. What people are doing is completely ignoring the opinions of anyone who chooses not to vote. Liberals, Moderates and conservatives alike will tune out the sound of your voice zealously if you ever let slip a single election abstinence.

The key missing question, of course, is why did you vote or not vote? If your answer is "politics doesn't interest me", then of course your opinion on political matters matters not. If, however, you have decided that a vote for any of the candidates is equal to or worse than not voting at all, then your act of abstaining is itself a vote. I does not mean you're not entitled to an opinion. Quite the contrary.

A vote for a candidate is the act of you giving that person sanction (or permission) of their positions. Giving my vote to one candidate as opposed to the other says "I believe that you are better than the other guy and I approve of your ideas and ideals." But I don't.

I propose that the citizens of the United States be given the same privilege as our leaders. Give us an "I abstain" button in the voting booth. Give us the ability to show our leaders that we are not abstaining out of apathy.

Let a voters abstinence be shown for what it is meant to be. A vote of conscience.

Wherin I am an apathetic voter...or non-voter

Yesterday was Michigan's primary. What a joke the Democratic ballot turned out to be.. Idle threats from the Democratic party of pulling all of Michigan Democratic delegates, Presidential hopefuls Obama and Edwards pulling their names off the primary ballot all because Michigan moved up it's primary date. They're acting like a bunch of middle school children. What a bunch of whiners. I guess I should not be surprised They have never really been the party of hope and self reliance. They exist through whining, fear and making people feel guilty.

This is the most disconnected I have ever been in a major campaign year. Did I vote yesterday? Nope. I guess you could say I'm an undecided voter...or uncommitted. But I do have a philosophy that Senators, those who are already inside the "beltway" make for bad Presidential material as opposed to Governors. Unfortunately none of the candidates, on either side, appeal to me. Maybe I've lost my passion for politics or maybe I have become wiser in my distrust of politicians and government. Still, I must say I shudder at the thought of being preached at by, and seeing her on my Tee-Vee for 4 years...:

In all the talk I 've overheard, of people discussing candidates, there are good ways and bad ways to choose a candidate for President...most are dictated by logic....common sense plays a role too. Some of the reasons I've heard of why people are choosing candidate X over candidate Y are just plain don't make sense. Like these:

Voted for Hillary because she's a woman

Voted for Obama because he's Black

Voted for Huckabee cause he's a evangelical

Voted for Romney cause he's Pro-Life

Voted for Mc Cain cause he's a Veteran

None of these, None, have anything to do with a persons ability to govern or run a country and frankly I'm sick to death of religion, color, sex, sexual orientation, military status and a whole plethora of other non-qualification qualifications being used as campaign fodder. None of them have anything to do with a persons ability to be President. All of these are based on your and my emotions about a particular issue. It's just an idiotic way to vote, based upon your feelings, for a President. Nor do I think that anyone just plain "deserves it". None of them do, and we deserve better.

Wherin I give Thanks!

No Golden Globe awards this year on Tee-Vee. Did you miss it?? I didn't.

In this respect the writers strike is having a positive effect and doing some good for society. Thanks guys!

I have to agree with Linda Stasi of the New York Post who writes (choice excerpts):

Hoo-Ray for Hollywood!

Wherin I drive the speed of Light and I long to fish

It snowed here last night. Even though temperatures were above freezing, it snowed. Cold air aloft was the culprit I'm sure and the snowflakes we not even close to flake size...it was more like extra large curd cottage cheese size. It was wet. It was slippery...I know, I had to go out in it to pick middle daughter up from a cocoa and cram session at school (hot chocolate and exam study groups) I'm so thankful that God invented four wheel drive Jeeps...driving through the stuff in the dark, as it zipped towards the windshield reflecting the light from the headlights it looked like, and I imagined myself, in the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars engaging light speed:

(Except Princess Leia was not in the co-pilots seat of the Jeep and I was going much slower than light speed...about 30 mph as compared to 670,616,629.2 miles per hour or 983,571,056 feet per second, which is about 186,282.397 miles per second...at that rate of speed family trips for vacation would be a snap!)

When I got the Jeep I purchased myself a tow strap...every good Jeep owner should have one...after all, those Hummers do need to be pulled out of the ditch every so often. I was extremely gratified that I actually got the use the thing this past weekend. First time ever...it had been floating around in the Jeep for quite a while...A car had swerved to avoid some 4X4 lumber that came off some truck and the car ended up in the ditch...stuck. Now, I'm the type of person that believes in the "pay it forward" philosiphy...After un-stucking the vehicle they ended up needing a tire inflated so I shuttled them to the gas station and back again. On the way they wanted to know what they owed me...I said;" nothing, don't worry about it" After the tire was re-installed, I waved them on their merry way, rolled up my newly broken in tow strap and went to stow it away whereupon I found a hand scrawled note of "Thank You" with a $20.00 bill folded inside it laying on the back seat. It's not that I'm not grateful, they just covered the cost of my tow strap, but why do folks feel obligated, folks you don't even know, to reward you for the simple act of a good deed when you tell them not too? I feel funny about having it, being forced to accept it, but theres nothing I can do about it now.

Once again it's Tax Season. My wife, being a CPA, is busy...it is after all, Tax Season...her busiest time of year...which means I am again, in essence, kinda like a single Dad....trapped in a house full of women. It really begins in earnest next week. I have a set schedule that seems to work for me. Different tasks, like laundry, vacuuming, dusting on certain nights...certain meals on certain nights...with take out for the kids once a week just to give myself a break and chill a little. By the time April rolls around I'm sick of it..the busy-ness of it all. Thankfully I got Trout Camp and Michigan's annual ritual opening day of Trout Season to look forward to...It keeps me going!

I catch alot of grief from people for my fishing habits. I primarily, nearly exclusively, fish catch and release. That means I catch a fish, reel it in, unhook it and let it go. When I tell people this they look at me like I'm strange, on drugs ... meanwhile they're practically smacking their lips, eyes glazed over at the thought of fresh trout for dinner when they hear me talk about fly fishing and catching all those yummy trout then, in an instant, they aer ready to smack me up side the head for letting all those yummy fish go, free to live and be caught another day.

Fly fishing is a great sport but it's not so much about the catching. It's about the experience. The experience ain't so good though when something like this comes your way:

Man, what a racket. Loud, obnoxious...I've been hit by one of those stray, drunkard occupied canoes before...not a pleasant experience. Some canoer's just don't give a hoot. Still, not all of them are that way. There are the considerate ones who give the fly fisherman a wide berth and pass quietly by or the ones occupied by bikini clad beauties, the ones who ocassionaly flash the unsuspecting fisherman causing him to nearly lose his balance and fall in the stream, and those who, on a hot summer day, toss the fly fisherman a cold brew from the cooler as they pass by...Oh! we like them. We like them alot! They nearly make you forgive the whole lot of 'em for past transgressions disturbing the quietness and scaring the trout on the quiet section of stream you were fishing. Nearly...but not completely.

Wherin I pimp myself out, Hillary's Cries and a Robot is created

My past few days have been spent at a trade show...pimping out the companies products and services. Being quite the people person I have to say that I completely enjoyed it. Oh! The characters you meet and the fluff and BS you hear at times....I'm telling ya, you need hip boots some of the time it gets so deep! Product exposure is a great thing.

With the show being held in Michigan many, if not all, conversations inevitably turned to Michigan's economy, our dismal Governess, and how the legislator really screwed bussiness' with a 21.99% tax surcharge that they have to pay in addition to the taxes they already pay. With our State losing jobs and business' at a record rate this legislation and tax surcharge is sure to attract new business' into to Michingan!

O.K., Enough of that...

The New Hampshire primary was interesting. Everyone was stunned that Hillary won. I don't know if I could handle seeing her face on Tee-Vee on a daily basis if she's elected President...asssuming, of course, that she gets the nomination....I'm having a tough enough time as it is already. Why do you think she won? I think she got the "feel sorry for Hillary" vote....what with that crying stunt she pulled the other day because, you know "it tough" and "I tried" she said of suffer her loss in Iowa. Thus it was time for the "smartest woman in the world" to choke up on camera, and tug at the heartstrings of folks that are easy prey for such passion plays.

I got a real big problem with this. What a great projection of strength! You don't get your way, you cry (I'll just call it a mini tantrum...'cause, you know after all "she deserves this") I've got kids who have, and still do this kind of thing. People don't even want to consider the she and her people might have choreographed this whole emotional display. Ya-all have been duped. Hillary for President? I think not! Gawd, I hope not!

O.K., Enough of that too.

Imagine my surprise the other day when my middle daughter says she wants to join the school Robotics team. I was stunned! She is the Diva of the household...easily grossed out by so many things....the mere mention or utterance of the word S-E-X grosses her out... and she want to hang out with the geeks? WTF? Yet, these days geek is the new sexy...cause for concern? Not so much. She's been to 3 meeting already. The other night I left a hour or so early to pick her up...I wanted to see what she and the group were doing and they kinda encourage parental support and mentoring...anyway, here group was assigned the task of assembling the transmissions for the robot kit.

After a trial assembly came the final assembly. She had to grease up all the gears...with her fingers. She was repulsed....I mean, like totally grossed out...and made no bones about it to the group...lots of "E-www, e-www,-e-wwww's!" were uttered. I thought she was gona pass out. But she stuck it out, got the transmission all together properly and, when hooked up to the test battery, if functioned properly. She was pretty proud of herself, and rightly so. I was glad I was there to witness that....that little bit of confidence building and teamwork.....she then quickly ran off to wash the "crap off her hands" Silly girls!

Wherin I contemplate golf

I'm not much of a golfer, sure I've played a few times, Nor am I a merketing genius. Still, I have to wonder what the folks at Maxfli Golf were thinking when they named and started marketing these golf balls. They sound more like a segway for a viagra commercial:

I can't imagine they're a hot-seller with with the male or female golfing crowd. I can almost hear/see it now: Maxfli, The Long and Soft Noodle. Take a few strokes off ... just play with our balls.

Wherin Iowa is the Field of Dreamers

Iowa. How is it that Iowa became such a focal point in Presidential primaries? Sen. Judd Gregg referred to Iowa as "a place where (people) pick corn." Was he far off? Let's take a look:

Iowa is a caucus carcus. Like fresh roadkill attracts vultures from afar Iowa attracts the Democrat and Republican Presidential hopefuls. The pick and peck at it like fesh meat only to ignore it once is has been devoured.